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Rambling angsty happiness

I’m confused.

We had a great weekend. Some fun, some domesticity and several long chats. All quite grown up behaviour. And I find myself wondering whether it’s too grown up? (And therefore boring?). Certainly sobriety has brought a (previously rarely seen) sensible vein of decision making. Tired? Go to bed. Previously of course the answer would have been another drink and go dancing anyway.

But I digress. I like him. Lots. This part delights me and part scares the crap out of me. I know the theory (hell I’ve dated enough to write a damn thesis on the subject) that you have to just throw yourself into it and hope for the best, but it’s terrifying.

I’m trying to convince myself that if it doesn’t work out that it’s not necessarily a reflection on me, but could just be a compatibility issue (while on the subject of compatibility, am I boring not to see the joys of Drum & Bass?).

I know that I’m less likely to go with the flow than I would have been two years ago, so all the more reason to try to convince myself not to over-analyse him, his behaviour and us.

Tis bloody hard though.

Any tips?

michael jackson

By: LondonGirl | 2008/01/21 | The Fear | Trackback | Comments [RSS 2.0]

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35 Responses to Rambling angsty happiness »»


Comments

  1. Hershey
    Comment by Hershey | 2008/01/21 at 10:09:25

    None.. I’m currently avoiding dating someone - that when I first them, I heard an audible “CLICK!” in my head - all because he’s sensible and domesticated.

  2. Dom
    Comment by Dom | 2008/01/21 at 10:11:16

    Knowing you don’t like drum and bass just makes me like you more :D

  3. brunette
    Comment by brunette | 2008/01/21 at 10:11:52

    You are SUCH an overthinker m’dear!

    Did you think your weekend was boring? If you enjoyed the grown-up-ness and didn’t think it was boring then who GIVES a flying f*ck whether we think being grown-up is boring! I personally enjoy a quiet weekend after quiet weekend with my husband and don’t need anything ‘exciting’ to happen for it to be fun and enjoyable and relaxing.

    Mind you, if you were bored, despite thinking he’s a pretty decent chap and nice looking also… then try and make it less boring. Organise something a little left of centre, out of the ordinary. If that doesn’t work, and it’s still boring, then give him the flickeroo, because if you’re already nodding off in his company this soon in, then how’s it going to be when you reach 60-odd and your kids are all grown and left the nest and you’re about to travel the world with someone who’s done nothing but put you to sleep for the last 20 years!

  4. brunette
    Comment by brunette | 2008/01/21 at 10:13:13

    Sorry, what I’m trying to say is… whatever makes you happy! Because really if you sort the wheat from the chaff, that’s really what makes or breaks any relationship - new or old.

  5. Time Traveller
    Comment by Time Traveller | 2008/01/21 at 10:37:46

    oh - I like drum and bass :( does that make me a bad person?

    Urmm advice? Wait till the end of January and get hammered :) things will seem more rosy with a few drinks inside you :)

  6. treacle
    Comment by treacle | 2008/01/21 at 10:56:46

    I like drum n bass but I dont like hip hop and my boyfriend does…its not really about musical tastes now LG is it? Don’t let the fear stop you from having a great time with a lovely guy.

    just enjoy…

  7. Perpetual
    Comment by Perpetual | 2008/01/21 at 11:18:32

    Any advice?

    Yes! Don’t worry about it not working out, go with the flow and see what happens. By over analysing and working all the various scenarios in your head, you will only serve to hamper where it will go.

    Just enjoy it for a bit, if it will work it will and it if won’t you’ll know.

  8. London Andy
    Comment by London Andy | 2008/01/21 at 11:33:15

    I’d suggest throwing in the towel right now - how can you possibly be compatible with someone who likes Drum and Bass music?

  9. pinkjellybaby
    Comment by pinkjellybaby | 2008/01/21 at 11:45:29

    Try and enjoy it for what it is at the moment….don’t over analyse every little thing or tie yourself up in knots thinking about the future. Live for now.

  10. Rachel
    Comment by Rachel | 2008/01/21 at 11:52:30

    you like him? his music taste shoudln’t bother you much unless he tries to make you go to a drum n bass rave or something ;)

    but like treacle says, don’t give into the fear! just relax (maybe not go with the flow) and be happy knowing you like him and he likes you!

    he’s a lovely guy. give him and your instincts the benifit of the doubt. :)

  11. Ginny
    Comment by Ginny | 2008/01/21 at 12:00:41

    My advice is to stop finding excuses to leave a guy you’re obviously crazy about :-P

  12. George
    Comment by George | 2008/01/21 at 12:06:02

    As the world’s best film (Strictly Ballroom) says, “A life lived in fear is a life half lived”. So, you can either end it (and every other blossoming relationship) now because you are scared of the pain if it finishes and never ever have the comfort, fun and companionship of a loving, supportive relationship. Or you feel the fear but do it anyway.

    For God’s sake girl, get your head out of your arse and just enjoy the good time you’re having.

    And be warned, nothing is more likely to cause things to go wrong than you anticipating it and then acting as if it is.

    He sound like a great guy, relax and remind yourself that he is a lucky to have met you as you are to have met him.

  13. Time Traveller
    Comment by Time Traveller | 2008/01/21 at 12:33:23

    George: I wish I had ‘lived in fear’ the past year instead of opening up to Mr. Jerk.

    Guys: She didn’t say he likes drum and bass! :)

  14. Weefz
    Comment by Weefz | 2008/01/21 at 12:59:19

    OMG, stop over-analysing. You’re having fun, dating a lovely guy, getting healthy amounts of sleep, and completely hang-over free. It sounds like… you’re happy. Scary thought!

    If you’re not bored, your life isn’t boring. It’s as simple as that.

    Oh and Drum and Bass… *yawn* But y’know, I like heavy rock and my bf only has electronic rubbish. Three years later we’re still doing well. These things sort themselves out.

  15. Boy
    Comment by Boy | 2008/01/21 at 13:05:53

    I think the best tip is to try and try and try to not over-analyse things. Having said that, it’s one of the most hypocritical things to exit my mouth. Nonetheless, he’s clearly a good lad, so have a bit of faith, and (I hope) you shall be rewarded.

  16. KaBtalk
    Comment by KaBtalk | 2008/01/21 at 13:10:23

    Mmm…I’d say stop with all this thinking…it’s too much & will drive you nuts! I do it all the time & I swear I suck at dating because of it!

    But…there is the but…if you’re already thinking grown up & how boring it may all be…well then…I’d say think about what you want. Do you want fun, parties & lots of entertainment or mature, entertaining & great company?!? Not that you can’t have great company at parties but you can also have fun with mature, boring type folks…I don’t know where I’m going with this but do you catch my drift?!?

    I always ask myself this question…does he still give you butterflies & put a smile on your face at the prospect of a meet, call or sms?!? If so…go girl! If not…poor Tom!

  17. London-Lass
    Comment by London-Lass | 2008/01/21 at 13:32:43

    Just treat this beginning part like you would a rollercoaster ride. Hold on tight. Keep all thoughts of fear and impending doom to yourself. Smile constantly. And before you know it will be all over.

    Apparently you’re supposed to enjoy the early days. I will be honest and say I didnt, but it does help when you find you’ve ended up with a lovely rollercoaster rider.

  18. sungirltan
    Comment by sungirltan | 2008/01/21 at 13:48:55

    sounds like you’ve got that niggly feeling its not quite right.
    im all about instinct me xx

  19. DiehardPessimist
    Comment by DiehardPessimist | 2008/01/21 at 15:04:03

    Drum and bass? Sounds like an axe murderer.

  20. West London Housewife
    Comment by West London Housewife | 2008/01/21 at 15:04:29

    hum - this sounds like it is about a lack of alcohol rather than a lacking in Tom. Life without alcohol does take some adjusting to but is really much better. You just have to learn hwo to relax and have a good time without it and that going to bed when you are tired is actually a good thing. Producing babies has meant that I’ve only drunk for three out of the last 25 months… and actually I like it now. Persevere and remember it might be about you not him…

  21. London Andy
    Comment by London Andy | 2008/01/21 at 16:24:16

    There’s something to what sungirltan says - what are your instincts telling you?

  22. WalesGirl
    Comment by WalesGirl | 2008/01/21 at 17:32:00

    Don’t get stuck in the ‘analysis paralysis’ state. A term coined by my big sister a few years back which actually is quite a good tip. If you analyse everything you end up killing it as you are always looking for some hidden meaning that quite probably isn’t there. Don’t pick away at it; if it feels right and it feels good, it probably is.

    With regard to it feeling grown up and possibly therefore a bit boring, sadly that’s what life’s about. We do grow up, and inherently life, even when with a fantastic chap, can and is a bit boring. However, its when you find out that, despite being bored, (and sober, a bit tired, and slobbing out in your grubby tracky bottoms as opposed to your fab jeans and little top etc etc), you are still getting on well and having a giggle with said fantastic chap that you know you’re onto a good thing. I’ve always regarded relationships a bit like clothes - its really lovely to wear a fantastic LBD with killer heels and be taken out for a romantic meal and fancy cocktails, but at the end of the day your fave slobby jeans are probably more comfortable and what you’d prefer to be spending your life in.

    Just enjoy it.

    Oh, and if you think you’ve got a boring life, you should try North Wales in January. We don’t even have a local Tesco’s which used to be our ‘exciting outing’ when we lived in the North of Scotland, and the local pub is closed for the winter. Happy days!

    Drum and Bass - don’t worry, my bloke has a secret Gangster Rap fetish (East vs. West coast?! - some hankering after his days as a teenager when he did a school exchange to the states, he thinks he grew up in the hood) and also likes country. Not Country’n'Western ‘cos that’s not proper, just country. V. odd combination.

  23. Cat
    Comment by Cat | 2008/01/21 at 18:55:52

    I think you - like me - like to overthink things and make problems for yourself where there are really none. But I also agree that sometimes this is the subconscious’s way of telling us something’s not quite right, and mentally preparing for things to go wrong.

    As for the drum ‘n’ bass, I am a music Nazi, and that is not good, at all. However, hopefully you will enjoy educating him in other, better genres…

  24. NickQ
    Comment by NickQ | 2008/01/21 at 19:00:25

    Have you considered the possibility that he’s a good and decent guy but unfortunately, the spark that leads to a relationship is just not there? His inherent decency is a good thing, but don’t assume that means you’re wrong to be unsure about a relationship developing - this one might simply lead to friendship.

    We all know lots of people we really like who we would not consider a relationship with and I’m sure, correspondingly, we know quite a few where we could accept their faults because other aspects of their personality outweigh the negatives. Rationalising all the pros and cons and finding what works for you is what makes us human.

    Go with the flow, drink probably will not help the decision process, and remember what Homer Simpson said - “Beer, the cause of and solution to all of the world’s problems”.

  25. flirty
    Comment by flirty | 2008/01/21 at 20:43:47

    Force yourself to do / think about something else when you start to analyse - as ultimately it achieves nothing other than depress you - easier said than done of course!

  26. Jo
    Comment by Jo | 2008/01/21 at 20:47:43

    What happens, happens.

    Relax - he likes you. He’s doing everything to suggest it. And if he does anything that says otherwise, then he’s not worth being with. Those are the simple rules!

  27. LondonGirl
    Comment by LondonGirl | 2008/01/21 at 21:08:03

    Hershey. Ah. Well everyone’s different eh?

    Dom. Tee hee.

    Brunette. Oh god I know. My worst feature, I’m sure. I enjoyed the weekend but somehow wanted more laughter (but then was uberstressed and even had to work on Sunday morning so perhaps not really his fault)

    Timetraveller. Absolutely not. Just a question of compatibility. And yep, the drinking thing might change the balance. Though in all honesty, I’m not sure that’s the answer, as West London housewife says – I’ve become much more relaxed sans booze of late and had a fun eve on Friday without it – it isn’t an issue much of the time. But that’s when I’m with people I know and feel at ease with. Perhaps when I’m not so at ease (as I’m not yet with TT, as I don’t know him that well) then a glass or two might help me go with the flow and stop analysing!!

    Treacle. Perpetual. I know the theory. It’s hard though.

    LondonAndy. Chuckles.

    Rachel. It’s not a big deal, I was just joking! I need to try to relax – but it’s not something that comes naturally.

    Ginny. You spotted that huh?

    George. Good point. Well made. As usual.

    Weefz. Scary indeed. Will try harder, but as you admit, Boy, tisn’t that easy.

    KaBtalk. Well I don’t need massive huge parties – I have more fun in groups of friends with whom I feel at ease – and I guess that’s the problem…I don’t yet feel totally at ease with him.

    LondonLass. Fixed smile in place. And thoughts of doom well hidden. Right. Worth a try that one!!

    Sungirltan. Humn – well he is a big planner. Spreadsheets for everything which does make me think of my father! I think it’s mostly that I’ve got the fear of relationships in general rather than of him in particular.

    DiehardPessimist. Absolutely. I’m sure you’re right.

    WLH. Possibly, though as I said above, I think it’s that normally alcohol smoothes over the gaps while you’re getting to know someone – I’m absolutely fine with going to parties with old friends/going for dinner with friends and not drinking. And it is almost certainly about my neuroses, not about his behaviour. Ooof.

    WalesGirl. Your sis is spot on I think! And stress about work and tiredness don’t make for a particularly sunny aspect on a Monday – so perhaps should try this relax thing as usual… not something I find easy!

    Cat. I think you’re right about making problems for myself – though if this is wrong, I despair, really! And as for music tastes, good god, I’m hardly speaking from a position of strength. This is the girl who owns both Def Leppard and Dolly Parton cds…

    NickQ. I don’t think there’s a lack of spark (trust me on that one!!!) – in fact there’s (at the moment) more spark than friendship… I have never had such long lie-ins… and as I say, I don’t think there’s anything actually wrong with this budding relationship, I just can’t stop analysing and it’s annoying me !!

    Jo. I like the idea of simple rules. Am not so good at following them tho…

    Flirty. Am doing well with my “distract self. keep busy” programme at the moment. Bit exhausting though.

  28. VGF
    Comment by VGF | 2008/01/21 at 23:20:52

    Oh just pull your finger out and get on with it woman!!!!

  29. WalesGirl
    Comment by WalesGirl | 2008/01/21 at 23:23:56

    Just reading through the comments and had another thought.

    If you’d had a hectic weekend, dashing around, seeing loads of people, partying ’til the small wee hours, you might well have been saying how scared you were that you hadn’t had any time together, weren’t getting to know him intimately, only knew each other in a social setting, hadn’t discussed the finer things in life. Stop thinking, stop analysing, stop questioning everything (not sure this analytical blogging helps!), and just go with it. It will either be right, or it won’t. Or you’ll get to the point when you think ‘F*** it! Perfection doesn’t exist, real life is about compromise, he’s a lovely guy who I get on well with, has same morals and values, is able to make me laugh and doesn’t look like a complete moosehippotrotterpig, and I could be happy with him, and I’m ready to be happy with him’. Call me a cynic, pessimist, (or a realist?), but sometimes I think that’s what its all about. Maybe this IS as good as it gets. And if you’ve found someone who has lots of spark, and you’re happy to be happily bored with, then that sounds pretty good to me.

  30. WalesGirl
    Comment by WalesGirl | 2008/01/21 at 23:26:12

    Ignore my ramblings and follow VGF’s wise advice! x

  31. Annie Rhiannon
    Comment by Annie Rhiannon | 2008/01/22 at 00:49:19

    Drum and Bass – haha. I used to like that. Now I prefer a nice bit of country.

  32. hb
    Comment by hb | 2008/01/22 at 03:53:44

    Ah, well it’s about balance and compromise. Going out with his friends/your friends, time spent as a couple out and about, staying in, being exposed to each other’s interests, respecting each other’s space, privacy while being intimate. So hard, but just approach it with an open, curious mind, soul, and heart —that makes it interesting, fun, and new. Welcome to the world of an adult, mature relationship. ;-) Like I said before, it can be very beautiful, if you just let it be.

  33. LondonGirl
    Comment by LondonGirl | 2008/01/22 at 21:41:45

    VGF. If it were that simple, do you not think I might have done it before?
    Appreciate the sentiment tho.

    WG. Tee hee.

    Annie. I don’t often admit to liking country, but it is very catchy!

    HB. Balance and compromise. Humn. You’re right, of course – it’s just something that doesn’t come easy – to me, or anyone else, I imagine.

  34. West London Housewife
    Comment by West London Housewife | 2008/01/22 at 22:53:20

    my boy always says that a blow job helps to clarifying thoughts…. just thought I’d mention it…..

  35. West London Housewife
    Comment by West London Housewife | 2008/01/22 at 22:54:37

    that was clearly WLH logging on as me and should be ignored!


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